I just really need to laugh today, and I bet you do too.
Unedited and uncensored; anatomy talk warning. Flora’s a month short of two, and Cinder’s four and a half.
Setting: our bathroom.
Cinder: Flora, stop trying to grab my penis. Flora! No! Stop!
Flora: hee hee hee
Cinder: It’s poisonous. Poisonous! Like the giant red milipedes in the South American rainforest!
Flora: hee hee hee
Cinder: It will bite you!
Flora: hee hee hee
Cinder: OK, Flora, I know you want to play with it. But you can’t. Only I can play with it. Play with your own.
Flora: Oh… no pee pee!! Brother! No pee pee?
Cinder: Oh, I forgot, you don’t have one. Well, maybe one day, if you are very good, I’ll let you borrow mine. If I can. Mom! (I’m in the next room) Can I borrow my penis to Flora for a while?
Jane: Um… no. It doesn’t work like that.
Cinder: I didn’t think so. Well, sorry, Flora.
Flora: No pee pee? Why?
Cinder: Don’t worry, Flora. I’m sure we can think of something fun to do with your… Mom! What’s Flora’s not-a-penis called?
Jane: Um… (Still haven’t decided if Flora should have a Volvo or a Gavina… OK, I know she has BOTH, but you know what I mean. Go for the Volvo today) A vulva.
Cinder: We can think of something fun to do with your vulva. Hmm. Let me think. Maybe we could attach something to it?
Flora: Yeaah!
Cinder: Or… we could stick something in it.
Flora: Nooooo.
Next day. Setting: post-bath time. Sean and I hanging out downstairs chatting, Cinder and Flora are playing upstairs. Suddenly:
Cinder: Flora! I will smite you with my poisonous penis!
Flora: Aaaaah! Run! Run!
Sean: Well, if Flora turns out to be gay, we’ll know why.
Jane: Sean!
Sean: What? I think it would make the teen years a lot easier, don’t you?
Jane: Sean!
Sean: What? All I’m saying is, if she ends up a lesbian, being chased by her brother’s poisonous penis may be one of the reasons. And don’t you think you’d worry less about boys and teen pregnancy and all that?
Jane: What are you…
Cinder: Ok, Flora. Now it’s your turn to smite me with your poisonous volvo.
Flora: Aaaaah! Run! Run!
The genitalia of the Callosobruchus analis beetle. It is covered in spines from base to tip. Referenced in Rönn, J., Katvala, M. & Arnqvist, G. 2007. Coevolution between harmful male genitalia and female resistance in seed beetles. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 104, 10921-1092. and Hotzy, C. & Arnqvist, G. 2009. Sperm competition favors harmful males in seed beetles. Current Biology 19, 404-407. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
From Life’s Archives, December 9, 2006.
Nothing By The Book 
I’m dying here! Too funny!
My sons can come up with the weirdest things too. Like the day my 12 year old told me he had a boner. I told him “that’s nice. Now, if you’re having one of those and Dan’s having a sandwich, what is dad going to have for lunch?” (can you tell I was distracted in the kitchen? LOL)
It wasn’t till my youngest said something about it later that I’d realized what he’d said! By then, the damage was done but, heavens, what do you say when they come at you with something like that??
Pingback: “How to help 10-year-old boy with existential angst” | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Why I blog | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Quote this: A Mother’s Prayer | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: How you know he’s his mother’s son… | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Of boys, girls, oblivion, awareness and frustration; (or why women think men don’t understand them) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Quote this: A.S. Neill on parents and the yearnings of childhood | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Revelation: “So this is why you go to Mom’s Nights Out?” | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: “Mom? Where you cool when you were a teenager?” | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: And now, a short exposition on the hidden horrors in your home | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: The Family that eats together, or “Help! I can’t make my kids stay sitting at the table through the meal” | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: He’s so his mother’s son, part deux | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Picky eaters: how can he know he doesn’t like it until he takes a bite? | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Of boys and their toys | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: You’re the adult, Daddy | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Why your children should never, ever learn the facts of life from their peers | Nothing By The Book