S: Cinder, if you let me borrow your computer for my client presentation tomorrow, I’ll let you play with my electric nail gun.
Tag Archives: Those Conversations
Who’s The Craziest Person
Austen: Mom, S, J, L, T, M, Flora and I are all making this reality tv show, called Who’s the Craziest Person. So we’re taking the crash mats.
File the above under: “Things 20th Century Parents Never Heard.”
File under “Daddy’s son”: Austen: I get to be the cameraman, isn’t that great? But I was really the only one qualified to do that.
File under “Babi’s granddaughter”: Flora: The Craziest Person? It’s probably going to be me.
Greek Gods
Today, Flora is Hermes, messenger of the gods. Austen is Hades. And we are all agreed Ender is Chaos personified.
Yesterday, Flora to Austen: “I bet if we were demi-gods, our father would be Ares.”
In other God news, Flora has now completed “The Twelve Labours of Flora,” and has been promoted from demi-god to minor god. All this time I thought I was raising good atheists, I was apparently just sowing the field for Greco-Roman pagans…
Swear of the day: “By Hades’ gym shorts.” Replacing “By Zeus’s third testicle.” Which, in case anyone’s interested, replaced “By Zeus’s left testicle” as the expletive of choice sometime last week. And for the really curious, it was on June 29 that our family formally voted 3-2 to replace random ejaculations of “OMG!” with “By Zeus’s left testicle.”
Sometimes, I do think we’re a little weird.
Rocky Mountains, Googles, and Tragic Anatomical Accidents
I’m eavesdropping on this bathtub conversation right now:
Austen: Flora? You know the Rocky Mountains? How they were formed?
Flora: How?
A: From dinosaur bones.
F: Austen, do you think I’m stupid?
A: No… but I was hoping you were gullible.
a few minutes later:
F: What’s a number with six zeros called again?
A: A million.
F: How about with seven zeros?
A: That’s boring, why don’t you ask me what a number with 100 zeroes is called?
F: Because I know that’s a google. What’s a seven zero one called?
F: Oh, it’s called a… oh, I don’t know. Mom! What’s a number that’s one with seven zeros called?
Jane: The first number with seven zeroes is… um… [grabs a piece of paper…] ten million.
A: Well? Isn’t that boring?
a few minutes later still…
[I zoned out for the intro to this, so have no idea what led to this]
Flora: And is that how the tragic penis-vulva accident happened?
J: What?
A: You probably don’t want to know, Mom!
Halfway to 18
Austen: I like being nine. Halfway to 18.
Jane: Excited about being able to vote?
A: What? No–excited about being able to own a gun!
I might have gone horribly wrong somewhere here…
“Everything’s Within Reach”
Austen [precariously balanced on you-don’t-want-to-know-what]: “Everything’s within reach. You just have to figure out how to reach it without getting killed.”
Ex-Boyfriends
Flora to Cinder: Ex-boyfriend means your friend used to be a boy, but now he’s a girl.
Baby Seductor
Flora: And here is Ender, adored by all lady babies across Canada.
Living With a Biter
Flora: Ender, I am not a steak!
A Peculiar Aroma
Cinder: Mom, do you smell a peculiar aroma?
Jane: No… why, should I?
C: Not even on my leg?
J: Your leg smells? Why?
C: Because I put perfume on it.
J: Why did you put perfume on your leg?
Cinder: [laughing and jumping away joyously]: BECAUSE… I’M… WEIRD!
You’ve Been Warned
Austen: Mom, remember how there were 17 kids at Flora’s birthday party? Well, there are only going to be 7 here today–and I have to warn you. It won’t be like Flora’s. … we’re all going to be hyper and it’ll probably feel like there are more than 17 kids here. Because we are going to form an army and take over the co-op.
Neighbours, take cover. Austen’s birthday party starts in five minutes.
Flora’s List
We learnt something a little terrifying today.
We visited Vancouver Island last month, and met a lovely unschooling family with three children, two boys aged 15 and 10, and a girl, Nibs to friends, Flora’s age. You’d think Flora and Nibs would click, and they certainly did enjoy playing with each other. But it was the 10-year-old brother who captured Flora’s heart. She impressed him too. He hospitably took both Austen and Flora to the playroom as soon as we arrived so they could check out his Lego collection. A while later he came down, “Gosh, Mom, that little girl is really intelligent,” he told his mother. “She knows all about Star Wars.”
Driving home today, in the middle of Calgary’s inevitable May snowstorm, Flora, out of the blue, announced, “I’m not quite sure who I’m going to marry yet.” This, incidentally, has been a question that’s been weighing heavily on her mind ever since she found out she couldn’t marry Austen. (“Yuck!” she said. “I am not mating with a stranger!” Good to hear, girl, good to hear.) Sean and I looked at each other, biting our lips. “But,” Flora continued, “K. is definitely on the top of my list. Because he knows all about Lego and Star Wars, and those are important qualities in a Daddy.” Pause. “And he has nice blond hair.” Pause. “So I’m not quite sure yet. But he’s at the top of my list, and I think he’ll be hard to beat.”
We didn’t laugh. But Sean did say, “Flora? You have a list?” To which she responded, “Of course, Daddy. Didn’t you?”
Of Brains And Cartilage
Cinder to Ender: I’m going to try to transfer you to the taco station [wrapping in blanket] without breaking any of your bones… SUCCESS! This is why a baby’s skeleton is made of cartilage, Ender–to minimize big-brother-caused breakage…
Later…
Cinder to Flora [as they take their Horrible Science Plaster of Paris brain out of its cast]: See, Flora, Ender’s brain just about this big. I mean, small. That’s why he can’t talk yet.
He’s A Keeper
Flora, six months ago: Well, it doesn’t really matter if the baby’s a boy, because Valerie will probably have a girl, and we can trade her.
Flora, today, to Ender: I have some good news, Ender. We’re going to keep you, even though you’re a boy, because you’re just so cute!
Blame It On The Pigs
We celebrated Ender’s arrival by coming down with H1N1 (we think). Do you remember that? The pandemic that wasn’t? Austen wasn’t quite himself by the time Dziadzia came to stay with him and Flora and Sean and I left for the hospital; by the time Sean went to see the children that night, they were both wheezing, coughing and sniffling. In the night, Austen struggled for breath in Babi’s arms. By the time Ender was ready to come home, both Austen and Flora were too sick to come home. They spent two days sick at Babi and Dziadzia’s—until they infected Babi and Dziadzia and made them too sick to take care of the kids. By then, Sean was was wheezing too, so we brought the kids home—under orders to frequently wash their hands and not breathe on Ender. (We somehow managed to infect Adam and Aga too.) (Babi & Dziadzia = the grandparents; parents of Jane. Now you know.)
It sounds awful: it was actually wonderful. They were wiped and tired. So for about two weeks, we all mostly sat in the big bed, watching movies, reading books, nursing Ender, and napping together. It was a wonderful bonding experience, and a nice, gentle introduction into being a family of five. Neighbours and friends brought us dinners—as did Babi when she recovered. I’ve always hated the rush of people wanting to come see the new baby, wanting to hold the new baby, and my dream post-partum month would see me in bed with the baby, skin-on-skin, sleeping and feeding, and not doing much more than that. And that’s what we got—we put the house under quarantine, declined visitors, and enjoyed a real babymoon. All thanks to the swine flu. Thanks, pigs!
Our Doberman Anya added some unexpected drama to those first weeks, by, for the first time in her 11 year life, running away. The front door was left open… and she—nose put out of joint by the new baby? Or for some other, secret dog reason—wandered outside, down the alley, and onto the hill. She meandered up and down. By the time we realized she was gone and scrambled forces to look for her—the entire family and half the co-op combed the hill and the neighbourhood shouting for Anya—some kind people had taken her home for the night. We got her back the next day, none the worse for her adventure—perhaps even slightly better off, for her rescuers had given her wet dog food and a rawhide chew bone.
Austen to Ender: “Are you ready for the morning nippling process? You should have seen the yummy breakfast mama had—the milk will be extra delicious!”
The Last Three Minutes
…of Ender’s (otherwise atrociously long) arrival
Me: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Why … Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! won’t Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! this Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! contraction Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! end? HELP ME!
Nurse Sue: Jane, is the baby coming?
Me: How… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! the fuck Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! should I know?
Sean: That’s the head!
Nurse Sue: Push the red button?
Sean: What red button?
Me: Aaaaaaah!
Someone else (who ran into the room post-red button pushing): Stop screaming and use that energy to push that baby out!
My mom to the above: Shut up! She’s doing great!
Me: aaah… mmmmmmmm
Sean: Oh my god he’s out.
Me: [collapse and utter joy, incoherent babbling]
Doctor (entering room): What’s… oh my god, there’s the baby. When did she start pushing?
Nurse Sue: Well, the baby was born at 7:38, so I’d say 7:37.