Ender: I don’t want you to wash my bum ever again!
Jane: Jesus, Ender, you have no idea how much I want to never have to wash your bum ever again. Ever. And you know when that will happen? When you start pooping in the freakin’ toilet!
Cinder: Don’t believe her, Ender! She’s obsessed with cleaning your bum, and even after you’re totally toilet trained, she’ll be putting you under the shower until you’re four or five because she does not believe in toilet paper.
Jane: What the… First all, you can’t not believe in toilet paper. Look–toilet paper. Right here. You can’t not, pardon me for using a double negative, believe in it. You can believe in not using toilet paper. Which, incidentally, I don’t not believe in–we buy and go through so much toilet paper–but you try cleaning THIS with toilet paper, you little…
Cinder: Mom? While you were doing your toilet paper rant, Ender took off. I bet he’s plopping his poopy bum down on the couch right now…
It’s one of those moments, right, when you ponder–what to do, throw something heavy at the smart-ass 10 year-old and then chase after the poopy three-year-old or… but before you have time to process, because this is my life, the telephone rings. And it’s the CEO-VP-GC-analyst-insert-your-favourite-acronym-or-title here I’ve been stalking all week and need to talk to right now. And the phone is on a different floor, of course, and I’m up to my elbows in toddler feces…
If I’m lucky, my Flora will get to the phone and say,
“I’m sorry, she can’t come to the phone right now, can I take a message?”
But if this day continues to unfold as it has, Cinder will get to the phone first, and, the mood he’s in, will say,
“Sorry, she’s up to her elbows in shit. And in a piss-bad mood, so I don’t know if you want to call back. And she’s been calling you a rat-fuck bastard all week because you haven’t called her back yet.”
See, but although the universe has a wicked sense of humour, it also sometimes knows that at this particular point in time the last straw will really be the last straw, and if it throws you one more curve ball, you–and when I say you, I mean me–will tear its very fabric into pieces and bring about the end of life as we know it–and so, although it is Cinder who gets to the telephone, what he says is,
“Yes, she’s been waiting for you to call–hold on just a minute, she’ll be right here!”
Followed, granted, by,
“Mom! It’s that guy who hasn’t called you back all week!”
but he doesn’t call the guy a rat-fuck bastard, and that makes him golden, and I get to the phone, and I get the interview that will make me meet deadline and be golden with the editor. And then, I clean the poopy bum. And the poopy couch. And then, after kissing Cinder on the forehead for answering the phone properly, begging Ender to please-for-whatever-gods-he-may-ever-choose-to-believe-in-sake-to-tell-me-next-time-he-has-to-go, and making sure Flora is in the house (sometimes, I lose track of whichever child isn’t causing me angst at the moment…), I restock the bathroom with toilet paper.
Because, a. I believe in toilet paper. It exists. I don’t just think it exists. I know. b. Whatever my smart-ass 10 year-old son is trying to make you think for evil purposes of his own–I believe in using toilet paper. And by all the gods I don’t believe in–I can’t wait until Ender does too.
More like this: The naked truth about working from home, the real post and The naked truth about working from home, the teaser.
And, playing here today:
Nothing By The Book 
Glad you got your interview, but swore that was my house you were talking about minus the one kid, lol!! 🙂
Can you imagine life post-potty training? I mean, once the accidents are truly and permanently really over? I think I might just die of pure joy…
I’m really glad the poopy bum days are far behind be (no pun intended)
That should be “me” not “be”…I don’t think I’m fully awake yet lol
need…more…coffee
I don’t know how you do it!!! Is your real name Superwoman?!?!?!
I’m mildly insane, often exhausted, and currently desperately in need of a sabbatical from life…
This is hilarious. I gotta admit though, I don’t miss those days of toddler poopy stains on my couch. Now I just have a pug who shits in the house wherever and whenever he pleases.
Mental note to self: no more pets once kids are out of the house. 😛
Oh holy hell this made me laugh!!!!!!! You’re not not against toilet paper! Plooping his poopy bum down! And a mini-me secretary! I don’t think it gets any better than this!! Seriously, though: if you have tips on maintaining sanity while working from home, let a girl know. PLEASE.
As I’ve said before, working from home works best when the kids aren’t actually AT home…
I could also use some tips for spelling. “Plooping?” Wow.
Plop + poop = plooping. I totally get it.
Oh, I super love this one! Seriously hilarious stuff!
Thank you.
Like some of your other readers, this makes me realize how happy I am that the poopy bum days are behind me:) Little ones are sweet but so tiring… although I’ve stayed up late many a night waiting for a teen to come home so I guess all of parenting is tiring, just in different ways.
I can’t wait until the poopy bum days are behind. I will throw the world’s biggest party…
LMFAO!
You are a riot!
Flatterer.
I am laughing so hard right now!!!!!!!!
…then my work is done.
haha! i remember when i couldn’t wait for my youngest to potty train. that was two years ago. i’m still wiping the tush. we’re working on it!! 🙂
I know, hey? I celebrated “the end of diapers” … six months ago…? And with the third, I really should have known better. A process that takes years, not months or weeks.
hahahahaha, I barely made it through this post upright! I so see something like this in my near future, as I am dipping my toes in potty training the twins, and one of them for SURE will run off with poop on her bum.
Diapers are good. Diapers are good. Diapers are good…
OMG this is classic. We’re trying to potty train my 3 1/2 (yes old but on the autism spectrum) now and holyhell the POOP. I’m so proud of your son for not calling the guy you had to speak with a rat bastard. Awesome stuff. 🙂
The funny thing about all this is although they’ll do it themselves eventually .. or not, you’ll still be washing their skid marked underwear. Sometimes it doesn’t get better, just different 🙂
Oh god, I love it! I have totally been there. It’s like your mind and your patience have been stretched like a damn rubberband and you’re going to snap! Thank goodness he answered that phone properly or they may have had to carry you away!