…looked a lot like Sunday except I DID ALL THE THINGS ID DIDN’T WANT TO DO.
Well, one category of them, anyway.
Also, Ursula Le Guin died and I spent much of the day loving her.
Here are two of my favourite ULG features from BrainPickings:
- Ursula K. Le Guin on “Spare Time,” What It Means to Be a Working Artist, and the Vital Difference Between Being Busy with Doing and Being Occupied with Living
- Ursula K. Le Guin on Being a Man: A journey to where the semicolon meets the soul
Michelle Obama is coming to town as a guest of the Calgary Chamber of Commerce on March 23. The cheap seats are $200 and I’ve spent so much imaginary money lately, I can’t tell you… There’s no way. I can’t. I won’t.
Facebook message from my dad:
I will gift you Michelle’s Obama ticket! Happy Birthday! Something changes within you when you meet great, good people! Love You!
The mantra I am practicing, do you remember, my sankalpa, is:
I ask for what I need. It comes to me.
I accept it with reverence and gratitude.
With reverence and gratitude.
We carve out a night of pleasure in the middle of obligation and chaos, and it is good.
Up at 5 am but back in bed before six. A phone call. Another. Coffee. Burritos. More? Cheese tortilla? Fine. Lunch and second lunch for everyone—the interviews I need to conduct happen in-between.
We have to get Cinder to a math test across town. Car2Go or Uber? The little smart cars get stuck in the snowbanks; their tiny tires are useless on the ice.
The driver’s name is Michael. The car smells like dog. But we’re on time.
A text from the back seat of the Uber:
Jane: Have to take C for his math final—I kicked out the boys, because Flora’s too cranky to supervise them both. They’re heading to your place. Or the Common.
A response from my neighbour:
np — They’re here now. Don’t worry.
I love my hood; I love my tribe.
Cinder’s test runs for 2 hours and 45 minutes. I read a billionaire romance—for work, not pleasure. It should be both, but it’s not—it hurts. This female fantasy of someone with bottomless pockets to take care of ME so that I don’t have to worry about… bills, job, LIFE… it’s so shaming, it’s so disempowering, it’s so relatable…
Do you ever, btw, wonder what rich people worry about?
Jane: True. I guess… there’s never enough.
What an awful, awful thought. Ugh.
I pretend to work in the cold high school hallway. So cold. Sterile. It smells funny. It’s a little re-traumatizing. Why do we make these spaces in which our children, your young people spend so many hours so… aesthetically bankrupt?
You: You’ve seen what office cubicles look like, right?
Sean checks in with me as I slog through the romance. Reports on Action: Feeding the Children.
Sean: I fed Flora pierogies. Cinder can have a frozen pizza, and I think Ender’s supper is going to be ham buns.
I end up making him another burrito when Cinder and I get back home after his test, with 30 minutes to spare before I have to take Flora to her martial arts class. Our Uber drive’s name is Emil and he pronounces my name correctly and triest to catch my eye as he does so—he wants me to comment on it, he wants to tell me where he’s from. His story. But I can’t. Suddenly, I have a deficit of words and thoughts and feelings, and I sink into the backseat of his RAV4, Cinder beside me, in silence.
Cinder’s not sure he passed his test. “It was difficult,” he says. “I didn’t remember everything. There were a lot of questions where I just didn’t know…”
I find words. And they’re good ones.
The driver smiles at me in the rearview mirror. I smile back. He’s just told me he’s a parent; no words necessary.
The drive to Flora’s martial arts class and back—always, these days, in a car borrowed from one neighbour or another—is all the focused attention my Unicorn gets from me these days. We talk a lot about pop music.
Flora: There haven’t been any good new songs for a while. Weeks. Months.
“Hotel California” comes on.
Jane: I like this one, still.
A throwback not to my teenhood or childhood, but to my parents’ teenhood, childhood.
Flora rolls her eyes. She doesn’t say, “You’re so lame, Mom.” But she thinks it; no words necessary.
Back home. So late, so tired. Sean’s cleaned the kitchen before leaving for the night—I don’t send him a thank you text but I think it.
Ender’s ready for bed.
Where’s the electric toothbrush?
Fuck, we need a new toothpaste.
Jane: Calvin & Hobbes?
Ender: Yes… We were… here…
We read Calvin & Hobbes—I remember I forgot to let the dog back in after I let her out to pee—“Flora! Check on Maggie!”—“Mom! How could you! She’s frozen!”—lights out—bedtime.
I sit beside Ender until his breath tells me he’s asleep.
Kiss the foreheads of the other two.
Think about reading; I have this book on my phone:
…and I’m still not done re-reading The Great Work of Your Life, but the billionaire romance has sapped me.
Sean’s first day of his new job. Squee!
Jane: I’m so excited! Text me at lunch to tell me how it’s going!
Flora: What’s going on?
Jane: We have a job! Benefits! Money coming into the bank account on a regular basis!
Flora: Dad has a job. We just spend his money.
Ok. I don’t want to tell you I lose it with her here. But I do.
Her words feel like a slap.
An undoing of EVERYTHING I’ve tried to teach, model, live.
I deliver a scathing post-post-modernist feminist anti-capitalist critique of what she said, the insiduous, unexamined thoughts behind it, and how thinking like that harms women, men, children, families and the world we live in.
Then I burst into tears. And stomp off.
Behind me, I hear Sean murmur, “You know your mom works, right? Harder than I do? And makes money? And we’re all in this together?”
They do and they don’t, I suppose. At the end of the day… they don’t see my work. They don’t see me leave for work.
And I’m the one who makes the fucking burritos for lunch.
Not always. Of course. Not always.
Is that all Flora sees?
Possessed, I reorganize the whole entire main floor. For once, this is not an act of procrastination. I have until Monday to file these two easy, easy easy stories—they’re totally written in my head anyway—that other thing I’ve drafted… it needs to marinate a bit.. I am not putting off anything important in order to scrub the floor and baseboards and drag the couch out of living room and into the kitchen.
Cinder: Love what you’ve done with the place.
Jane: Shut up.
Cinder: Should I test Dad and warn him you’re about to start a new book?
Jane: Fuck off.
Cinder: Should I help you move this couch over the bump?
Cinder: I wonder what it would be like to grow up with normal parents.
My new space.
It looks really really good.
I’ve very happy.
I love beautiful spaces, places, things.
It’s 8 pm and dark and cold, and Sean’s holding the stepladder and helping me climb into our community dumpster. He’s using my phone as a flashlight, and I’m really grateful that we now have compost garbage. I’m mostly stepping on broken toys. An old car seat.
We’re here because mid-day, I scored Cinder a new office chair. A beautiful $150 or maybe even $600 office chair that was no longer good enough for the accountant who occasionally used it. Unfortunately, in the process of wheeling it home over the ice, I busted one of the wheels.
Meanwhile, Cinder had exchanged his totally busted “this chair is trying to kill me” gaming chair for one of the arm chairs I moved out of the kitchen while making room for the couch.
He tossed the gaming chair into the dumpster. Its wheels fell off.
Its wheels would work perfectly well on the chair I just acquired.
Sean: See, this is the difference between being married and dating. This is not the kind of thing you do with strangers you meet on the Internet.
Jane: I suppose by the time you get to this stage, you’re not strangers anymore.
Sean: I see it!
I see another one. Five chair wheels acquired. Score!
Sean pulls me out of the dumpster as a neighbour’s car rolls past.
There’s something unexpectedly romantic about our brief walk home from the dumpster.
But when we tell Flora what we were doing, there’s only one thing on her mind.
Flora: So who gets the new chair?
One of those days.
Process journal: “I feel lazy and dumb.”
But it ends with a bang.
Thank you, #writertribe.
Also, the Michelle Obama tickets go on sale.
Thank you, Dad.
…starts with a surprise. Hello, shiny thing. Oh. Goodbye, shiny thing?
The unifying thread that runs through the Buddhist-Vedic-Mindfulness-As-Secular-Religion crap stuff books (just fucking write books!!) I’m reading right now is one of impermanence.
Freedom and happiness, or at least tranquility = freedom from attachment.
I really, really struggle with this because… I WANT. Oh, gods, yes. I DESIRE. CRAVE.
I love. I care.
I throw all of myself into everything I pursue. My work, kids, loves, community…
If I’m lukewarm about it… half-hearted? I just… don’t do it…
I’ve equated freedom from attachment with… detachment.
And I’ve been detached, and, honestly, my love, when I’m detached, I might as well be dead. You might as well be dead—I don’t give a fuck what happens to you…
That’s a terrible feeling. It’s emotional death. What person in their right mind would want to pursue it?
Ender: Mama mama mama I love you, and I’m never ever going to let you go.
I love love love him too. Except… I’m going to have to let him go. It’s easy to forget, not see it with him, yet. But his almost 16 year-old brother? His 13 year-old sister?
Loving them right now is 90% about letting them go.
Jane: Give me 10%. I’m driving you to your fucking finals.
Letting them go does not diminish my love for them. It even, perhaps, intensifies it.
(This is the magic, you know, of maternal love. This gross squishy wailing pooping peeing thing exits your body, enter your life—and you overflow, drown in love. And think—I can’t possibly be feeling something this big, this intense. How can there be more? And yet there is more. And more. And more.)
Fucking mystics, why do they make everything so complicated?
In re-reading Stephen Cope’s The Great Work of Your Life, I have a glimmer of what it is they mean, maybe. Cope is paraphrasing the Bhagavad Gita’s prescription for happiness (or at least a meaningful life).
It has four pillars:
- Look to your dharma. (Purpose in life.)
- Do it full out.
- Let go of the outcome.
- Turn it over to god.
Number four is hard for an atheist—the internal dialogue goes something like ths: “There is no God, gods. The Universe is an intricate, amazing thing, but if I say, ‘Turn it over to the Universe,’ Bill Nye will come and kick my ass and, really, it just means the same thing. So turn it over to who, what?” and I spin and spiral and spin and spiral and I just let it go and go back to focusing on numbers two and three.
- Do it full out.
Yes. Fucking watch me.
- Let go of the outcome.
Sometimes, I do.
And I know this—“let go of the outcome”—is a true, powerful thing. These two principles:
Do it full out
Let go of the outcome
–they are true. For me, anyway. When I do it (whatever it is) FULL OUT without craving an outcome beyond… DOING THE THING—when I DO IT—love you, love her, write this, do THAT—because it is the thing that my being knows needs to bed one and I don’t think abou the result—will you love me? will the story be good? will we succeed?—I am… happy isn’t even an adequate word.
Let go of the outcome.
Working on it.
productive morning, meandering mid-day, strange evening, restless night
I write about habits, context, credentials.
I try to write, and at some point actually do—finish my deadline work.
Don’t finish my “I’m exploring this idea, where will it go work.” Abandon it, actually.
But I end up spending some time with Sylvia Boorstein again, thinking about what she calls “kind speech.” (The Buddha, apparently, said “wise speech.” She likes kind speech better; softer now than I was even a year ago, I agree.)
That kind of speech, she writes, s “true and helpful and gentle.”
She adds, it “makes the mind feel safe and also glad.”
“When I am privy to disparaging critiques, even when they are not directed at me, I feel unnerved and my mind is roused into protective mode. I think of it as a basic survival response and I’m glad I have it so I can run away from real danger.”
But living in protective mode… it’s really, really draining.
Suddenly, I understand what my core issue with Facebook is.
I used to love it, after all. Defend it.
And now I’m trying to figure out how to pursue my career, goals… without it.
PS Check this out:
… How very Victorian, Bernard. Of you, I expected no less. But Maria… with you, I am disappointed. Let’s file this under “research” … and ponder it a little. It fits so very well with my current projects…
The year started with a Monday; so does every week (Week 1: Transitions and Intentions)
Easier than you think, harder than I expected: a week in eleven stanzas (Week 2: Goodness and Selfishness)
A moody story (Week 3: Ebb and Flow)
—->>>POSTCARDS FROM CUBA
Pingback: The Buddha was a psychopath and other heresies (Week 5: No Cohesion) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: A good week (Week 6: Execute, Regroup) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Killing it (Week 7: Exhaustion and Adrenaline) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Tired, petty, tired, unimportant (Week 8: Disappointment and Perseverance) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Professionals do it like this: [insert key scene here] (Week 9: Battle, Fatigue, Reward) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Reading Nabokov, crying, whining, regrouping (Week 10: Tears and Dreams) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Shake the Disease (Week 11: Sickness and Health… well, mostly sickness) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Cremation, not embalming, but I think I might live after all (Week 12: Angst and Gratitude) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Let’s pretend it all does have meaning (Week 13: Convalescence and Rebirth) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: The cage is will, the lock is discipline (Week 14: Up and Down) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: My negotiated self thinks you don’t exist–wanna make something of it? (Week 15: Priorities and Opportunity) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: An introvert’s submission + radical prioritization in action, also pouting (Week 16: Ruthless and Weepy) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: It’s about a radical, sustainable rhythm (Week 17: Sprinting and Napping) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: It was a pickle juice waterfall but no bread was really harmed in the process (Week 18: Happy and Sad) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: You probably shouldn’t call your teacher bad names, but sometimes, your mother must (Week 19: Excitement and Exhaustion) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Tell me I’m beautiful and feed me cherries (Week 20: Excitement and Exhaustion) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: A very short post about miracles, censorship, change: Week 21 (Transitions and Celebrations) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Time flies, and so does butter (Week 22: Remembering and forgetting) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: I love you, I want you, I need you, I can’t find you (Week 23: Work and Rest) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: You don’t understand—you can’t treat my father’s daughter this way (Week 24: Fathers and Daughters) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: The summer was… SULTRY (Week 25: Gratitude And Collapse) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: It’s like rest but not really (Week 26: Meandering And Reflection) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: It’s the wrong question (Week 27: Success and Failure) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: On not meditating but meditating anyway, and a cameo from John Keats (Week 28: Busy and Resting) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Hot, cold, self-indulgent as fuck (Week 29: Fire and Ice) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: In which our heroine hides under a table (Week 30: Tears and Chocolate) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Deadlines and little lies make the world go round (Week 31: Honesty and Compassion) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: That’s not the way the pope would put it, but… (Week 32: Purpose and Miracles) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: And before you know it, it’s over (Week 33: Fast and Slow) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Ragazzo da Napoli zajechał Mirafiori (Week 34: Nostalgia and Belonging) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Depression is a narcissistic disease, fentanyl is dangerous, and knowledge is power, sort of (Week 35: Introspection and Awareness) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: I’m not gonna tell you (Week 36: Smoke and Mirrors) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Slightly irritable and yet kinda happy (Week 37: Self-Improvement and Self-Indulgence) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: It’s not procrastination, it’s process (Week 38: Back and Forth) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Pavlov’s experiments, 21st century style (Week 39: Connectivity and Solitude) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: The last thing I remember… (Week 40: Truth and um, Not Really) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: All of life’s a (larval) stage (Week 41: Stagnation and Transformation) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Damn you, Robert Frost (Week 42: Angst and more Angst) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Speaking of conflict avoidance… (Week 43: Fight of Flight) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Halloween, Samhain, All Saints Day, Day of The Dead, Candy (Week 44: Neither Here Nor There) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Again with the silver-tongued Persians, and other stories (Week 45: Silence and language) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: War, Famine, Pestilence, Mornings (Week 46: Mornings and the Apocalypse) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Time flies but the Christmas tree is up (Week 47: Status quo and Change) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: I didn’t kill anyone–it just smells like it (Week 48: Guilt & Poison) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: You have a bad memory, while I want to rest on a flower (Week 49: Mothers and Caterpillars) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: Atheism, Spirituality, Boundaries, Slytherins (Week 50: This and That) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: When everyone’s a special snowflake… (Week 51: Normal and Narcissistic) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: The year will end on a Monday (Week 52: Guilt and Gratitude) | Nothing By The Book
Pingback: 52 Weeks Project (2018 Blog Post Index) | Nothing By The Book