I feel like I ought to apologize for a string of didactic posts. Just remember as you read–I’m no expert. I’m a mom thinking out loud… this is my point of view. What’s yours?
“What do I say when my children say ‘I’m bored?’”
or
“Help! They keep on saying they’re bored! In this house? With all this stuff?”
Is this something you hear a lot? I’ve recently unearthed an exchange on this topic that had been a life-changer for me and I was lucky enough to encounter it just as my kids were starting to talk. So it means that I hardly ever hear “I’m bored.” It doesn’t mean they don’t say it, though… Paradox? Not really. Read on.
It’s a pretty simple reframing, really. When you hear “I’m bored,” do not treat it not as a synonym for “entertain me!” or “find me something to do.” Instead, think of it as a child’s attempt to communicate to the obtuse parent in simple words the child hopes the parent will understand a very complex feeling.
The conventional advice on “I’m bored” tends to be to present the child with a list of tasks, ranging from fun (“Do you want to go swimming?”) to unpleasant (“You’re bored? Here’s a list of household chores to do. Which one are you doing first?”). People who dispense the latter form of advice swear by it, saying that if they do it for a while, they never hear “I’m bored” again. Of course they don’t. They’ve “trained” the child not to say it. But the feelings that prompt that statement probably remain, and the child is left to cope with them on her own, for better or for worse, and generally, in those tender years, for the worse.
Remember how I said I don’t hear “I’m bored,” even though they say it? That’s because when I hear “I’m bored” I run the little translator, and instead I hear:
“I’m out of sorts, I have these weird, unsettled feelings, I’m not happy, but I don’t know why, I can’t settle down to anything, Help!”
When I hear this, instead of “I’m bored,” I realize it requires a totally different response.
There are other code phrases my children―and perhaps yours―may use instead of “I’m bored.” In our house, it’s often “I don’t know what to do,” or “I’m lonely” (in a house full of people, with a backyard generally full of kids!) and the like.
My response to all of these phrases is generally some variation on detaching myself from whatever I’m working on and attaching myself to them―focusing on them fully. I might ask them to come sit with me, have a cuddle, talk nonsense for a while, and see if I can help them figure out what’s going on. Often, I don’t need to do much figuring: they just need a bit of that reconnect time to ground and move on.
I resist the urge to become a calendar coordinator and offer them ideas for things they could do. That is not what they are asking for.
Sometimes, they can’t settle no matter how much cuddling or listening I give, and they can’t sort or articulate what’s going on. That’s when I do become an activities coordinator, but an autocratic one. I don’t offer a list of choices. I unilaterally implement a change of scenery. “Let’s go for ice cream.” “Let’s go check out the garden.” Or, two birds with one stone: “Help me get supper going, and then we’ll read.” Or, “Let’s go to Banff,” if I’m feeling extra adventurous and able to do a whole day trip! And we go.
Try it the next time you hear “I’m bored.” Activate that little translator, and hear:
“I’m out of sorts, I have these weird, unsettled feelings, I’m not happy, but I don’t know why, I can’t settle down to anything, Help!”
And watch your response change.
Nothing By The Book 
Baanf sounds really good today if only not the drive in stormy weather:)
Just as I had decided that this phrase meant that the person iterating it was lacking the vocabulary to explain how they are failing to connect to the world around them you have one upped it and slightly tailored my responses. Though I still react in a Forrest Gumpf mixed with Oliver Twist asking for more style, “Bored!? Bored is, as bored does, Forrest” to those old enough to realise that there is humour involved in the lecture that is about to follow ;-D)
Thank you for this interesting and very nicely written post. I will look forward to reading others of yours. All the best Johnny
Well, then, my work here is done.
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Very true! Being understanding of their plight is important, and I like that you said you give them your entire focus. 🙂
Thanks for popping by to comment. I had a visit to your blog today: I hope you feel better soon. Moms don’t get sick days!
Nope, we sure don’t! Up all night at the E.R. for my little one last night because he was wheezing. 😦 Thanks for the well wishes. 🙂
Oh, I’m so sorry, Valerie. My thoughts are with you and your little one. May health come soon.
Thanks. 🙂 He rested/slept a LOT yesterday and we did a few breathing treatments at home as well for the wheezing. He is feeling much better today. 😀
You raise an excellent point – “I’m bored” never means what we think it means and it totally makes sense (now that I’ve seen it in writing, of course) that you really set up a pattern where they say “I’m bored” and you try to make suggestions to “entertain” them. In many cases, it is the perfect opportunity to stop, gather your child up in your arms and say, “let’s chat”, or just hold them, or (my bias), “Wanna read a book together?” There will come a time, far too quickly, where they won’t want to do those things with us anymore. Although my son still thinks he’ll grow up and marry me or his sister – (depends how angry he is with her at any point in time). Sigh…
Anywho…I’m so glad we’ve connected in cyberspace and I look forward to reading your entertaining posts. Cheers! 😀
“I’m out of sorts, I have these weird, unsettled feelings, I’m not happy, but I don’t know why, I can’t settle down to anything!” — it’s as if you’ve read my mind when “bored”. (:
I’m psychic.
I also deciphered, the brilliant momstar that I am, that ‘I don’t know what to do!!!!’ (moaning and groaning follows), actually sometimes means ‘I have too many ideas in my head at the same time and I don’t know which one is better and which I should do first and what if I want to do all or three at the same time but then the others will be left out’… Deep breath, yes it is hard having human limitations…sigh.
I agree. Children use what vocabulary they have to express more complicated thoughts and emotions that they do not yet know how to articulate. “I’m bored” for us usually means that they want some direct attention and/or a change of scenery.
Shannon @ Mamamusing