To all the lawyers in my life,  proof that you’ve inadvertently warped my children:

Jane: Flora, baby, what are you doing?

Flora: I’m writing Ender a cease and desist letter.

Jane: You’re what?

Flora: I’m writing Ender cease and desist letter. Telling him to stop taking my pets and chucking them down the stairs.

Jane: Baby, why don’t you just ask him to stop?

Flora: Ask him? But if I just do that, what proof will there be that it really happened?

Pause.

Flora: Do you still have your old tape recorder?