i

You’ve probably heard by now that COVID-19 may lead to erectile dysfunction among men,and if you haven’t, well, you have now, so spread the word. I’m very excited about this rumour—and, sorry, it is not backed by any scientific claim, just one dude talking out loud and claiming the title “expert” because, I don’t know why, well, he has a penis, so I suppose that’s enough, so he’s just talking and grabbing headlines, because, limp penises are newsworthy, in a patriarchy, anyway—but anyway, I’m so excited about this, because if COVID-19 negatively impacts men’s sexual performance, the vaccine is so gonna work, and also, there’s gonna be a cure just around the corner.

Prove me wrong.

I’m being silly (maybe) but, really. Prove me wrong.

ii

You’ve probably heard by now that the mass inoculation program against COVID-19 has been masterminded by aliens who… what? You draw the line at that? You sure? Alien conspiracy theories are my absolute favourite. Come on. If you’re gonna go that way, go all the way.

I dare you.

No, I don’t think you’re stupid. Desperate and thus gullible, yes.

Anyway. I’m just in a mood and I want to poke at you.

Where were we? Right.

Aliens.

iii

I want, I want, I want—today, I want to build a pillow fort in my bed and never come out—some things I need to do, children, dogs, work—I want to want things but all I want is this blanket around me. So. Today, I don’t resent the lockdown even though the lockdown is the reason I don’t want to get out of bed. Funny, hey?

Funny?

xoxo

“Jane”

PS It is a lockdown even though the malls are open. Do you not understand? I do not care about the malls. You can keep them closed until the end of time. I need my people in my pillow fort