Strong start to the morning
Ender: Mama! I pee in potty!
Jane: Awesome! Way to go… um… if you peed in the potty, why is there a big puddle of pee on the floor?
Ender: I dump pee. Dump pee on floor. Hee hee hee.
Jane: Um… why?
Ender: Make footprints!
One day, he will be potty-trained. One day, he will be potty-trained. Oh, gods above, please, let him one day be potty-trained…
Gets even better in the afternoon…
Flora: Moooooom! Ender’s biting the dog again! Should I make him stop?
Jane: Well–yeah! Get him off her! Why are you even asking me?
Flora: Well–cause if he’s biting Maggie, then he’s not biting me. [Pause.] Or you.
Jane: That does make sense. … No, for Chris’ sake, get him off her. Poor dog.
[five minutes later]
Flora: Mooom!
Jane: Is he biting the dog again?
Flora: No, he’s dragging me around the floor by my feet. I knew we should have just left him biting the dog.
Photo: Ender and Maggie. We should have gotten him a Doberman.
Interlude for a telephone call…
Phone. I’m the kitchen. I run. I lose.
Ender: Hello… Mommy? Talk with Mommy? … No talk with Mama. … I go have nursies now. She too busy! [Receiver slam!]
It’s the Vice President (Legal) of a Calgary investment banking outfit. Of course. At least it wasn’t the CEO.
Every day ends. Mercifully. And in the evening…
Jane (reading): “Holi is a joyous Indian holiday that comes at the end of winter. Holi is also known as the festival of colors. On this holiday, people run through the streets smearing strangers and friends with colored powder and douring each other with colored water. At the end of the day, everyone is decked out in all the colors of the rainbow.”
Flora: Oh, oh, oh, we could totally do that tomorrow to celebrate the Equinox. Can we, Mom? Can we?
Jane: Well, it would be very fun, I totally agree. But all our neighbours would pretty much hate us.
Cinder: They already think we’re the crazy people, don’t they?
Originally published as From the sitcom that is my life, March 19, 2012
Nothing By The Book 
Jane, sounds about right and our neighbors probably think we are crazy, but oh well at least we are all in good company!!! 🙂
Crazy people are more fun.
The phone call one is PRICELESS!!!!! I love it!!!!! Thanks for the giggle!
You’re welcome. 🙂 Thanks for the balls story.
When I read about Ender I always feel that I am reading about my own sons, one son’s past one son’s future. Dump the pee is just total awesomeness. Whenever I would take my dog, Louisa, out I would think of the biblical term in Hebrew for peeing which is exactly that “dump your water” because she was on the move even as she was peeing and observing her always clarified to me how that term was born. How biblical of Ender!
Ha ha. Now that’s a new perspective (for me) on urination. Anything to help me keep my sense of humour as he pees everywhere but where he needs to…
Ohhhhh brilliant 🙂 Love that you at least get an explanation as to the ‘Why’. I struggle with Niece in those moments when I’m tearing my hair and wondering “She’s three, she’s not stupid, so what the HELL was she thinking?!”
“It’s fun.” Or “Hey, what would happen if I did this?” Every toddler/preschooler is a mad scientist. That’s all there’s to it.
Ha! Can you imagine if Ender & my Ana were neighbors? Oh the trouble they could get into together!
It would be terrifying. The neighbours would lobby for one (or both) of us to move… (Let’s never let them meet as teenagers.)
So funny. And so typical. The other day there was a puddle on the floor by the fireplace, where we sometimes get rainwater in the house. As I stuck my hand in it, to try to figure out how more water was getting in, my son informed me, “That’s where I peed!” Oh, the indignities of motherhood!!
In that vein: never, ever taste (or touch) anything brownish when you have children. Although it’s usually chocolate, it has to be NOT chocolate just once…
Substitute cat for dog, girl for boy, dad for sister and you could be talking about my life with toddler. I’m always amazed at how they are so completely their own personalities, yet go through exactly the same stages. It’s good to know I’m not alone. Haven’t had any pee footprints yet. Thanks for the warning!