The diagnosis, I think, is decision fatigue. Forgive me — I’m jumping into the story in the middle but this is where it gets interesting. I need to decide a few things: What to make for supper tomorrow, what groceries to order, whether I want to go on a group trip to Egypt in the April, whether I’ll sign up for a dance class that starts, um, when, next Tuesday? 

None of these is a life or death decision. Or even that important. Only one is expensive (I’d be paying for Egypt with imaginary or future money, never a good idea).

I can’t make myself to make any of these decisions. I try. I can’t. Paralyzed. Left or right—I’m walking the dog and I pause at the intersection, frozen. I agonize. What’s the right direction? What are the consequences of choosing the wrong one?

Decision fatigue, obviously.

I know the cause, of course — pandemic hangover. Do you remember all those agonizing daily decisions? What to do, what not to do, who to breathe on? I think I’ve used up my life’s quote bak then. Also, I know: divorce, buying a house, career pivot (then another one, I probably need to rest a bit before I make any other decisions.

Unfortunately, life keeps on demanding I make them. The boys need to eat supper tomorrow and that means I need to decide what I’m making them and decide which groceries to order and…

But also, should I take that dance class?

You know what the worst thing about being a full grown and then some adult is? You realize that the people who runt he world — they’re just like you. Moody, petty, insecure, confused, anxious, exhausted, hangry, all the things.

And they set economic and social policy. And have armies and bombs.

Speaking of bombs — Egypt? What do you think? I want to go to Egypt, of course but I want to see it through my love’s eyes not on a group trip but also what a great opportunity but also, maybe the last chance because the world is scary but also group trip and I hate people right now and I don’t know most of these people suppose they are really annoying but also, if I don’t go, will I always regret it?

Yes. I should go. Go. Just GO. It will be amazing and if it’ snot, well, it will still be an experience. 

(Past me loved experiences.)

(Present me just wants security and safety.)

(I don’t really want to be present me.)

Egypt. Dance class, Groceries. Do it.

(It’s easier not to.)

Actually, that’s a lie. It’s excruciatingly hard to NOT make decisions. Excruciatingly. It’s exhausting.

Make the decisions. Move on.

(Can I hide in my pillow fort instead?)

Ok. I can do this. 

Egypt. 

Dance class.

Groceries.

Pickle soup and toast.

Done.

Xxoxo

“Jane”