I am trying to not cancel plans.

Past me made these plans purposefully, to try to shake off the “It’s February and still dark and my lover is in Egypt woe is I” blues. On Friday: a High Performance Rodeo play with a hot girl (also, tall, so tall). On Saturday: a walk with an old friend (also tall, but it doesn’t matter so much in this case) and an evening party in the role of wingwoman to another friend. Sunday, a lunch date with another hot girl (this one, short), then dinner with my kids and parents at the end of the world.

I want to do none of these things. Cancel it all, stay in bed, binge watch Deep Space Nine.

It’s not depression.

It’s February.

Also, it’s overload. What was I thinking? Going to a play on Friday means do nothing Saturday. Party Saturday means lay in a dark room all day Sunday.

I’m already exhausted by the people I haven’t met yet.

Not depression. 

February.

The thing is – if I go and do all the things, I’ll have a good time. I know this. I will. I always do.

But also, if I cancel everything and spend the weekend in bed with my cats and books and laptop… I’ll also have a good time.

I won’t cancel.

I’m exerting all my will to not cancel, chiefly because I get very cranky when people cancel on me last minute, their reason being “I don’t feel like it” (code word: self-care) and I don’t want to be that person.

(I might be that person.)

(No, I won’t.)

(I mean, sometimes, I am not person and I’m sorry. I try very hard not to be.)

I tell my present self and my future self to remember this anguish and to not make more plans. Keep the next two Sundays free. Don’t make Friday night plans. (It’s too late to save the Saturdays).

(Remember the pandemic, when  you had cabin fever and couldn’t wait to get out?)

(Yes, but it’s different now. I want to stay in.)

(Do you really?)

(Why are there always at least two voices inside me? It’s exhausting.)

Summer is for plans.

February is for hibernation and feeling sorry for myself.

I’m not going to cancel.

I promise.

But, like – tall hot girl, short hot girl, old friend – if you’re feeling like I am, and you cancel… I forgive you  in advance.

xoxo

“Jane”

PS Short hot girl cancels lunch, because totally legitimate reasons. I send her kisses, plan a luxuriously lazy Sunday morning-afternoon in bed.