It’s not procrastination, it’s process (Week 38: Back and Forth)

i

Lazy, rainy Sunday. I want to wander aimlessly in the rain, maybe get cold, maybe get rain in my eyes.

Sean is driving around town looking for a heavy bag and boxing gloves. The giant 16 y o wants it; we hope it will lead to fewer holes in walls. And the 13 y o is almost excited about it too.

The eight-year-old is talking in baby talk again and it’s driving me up the wall, except when it’s not.

Jane: How am I going to carry you up to bed when you’re as big as Cinder?

The eight-year old is curled up in my arms as the 16-year-old stomps into the kitchen, a storm of hormones, imagined stresses, real fears. I am helpless. All I can offer is… presence.

A stocked fridge.

I can still solve all of the eight-year-old’s problems.

That’s something, right?

ii

Saturday night, I dance. Before that, I look at something that I’m afraid is ugly and unsalvageable.

It’s not that bad.

I can work with this.

Everything is going to be ok.

In the morning, my dad brings parowki and makowiec for breakfast. I make chickpea flour crepes.

“They’re not bad,” he says, shocked.

I talk on the phone with my mother. Her sister—my godmother.

I think I’m talking to ghosts.

iii

Friday night, Leonard Cohen, as interpreted by Les Ballets Jazz de Montreal.

OMFG.

I cry.

You can’t appreciate it unless you’ve seen it live, but here is a video:

Friday day, a house full of noisy, noisy boys.

I turn a chore into a break, a taste of bliss.

Hair cut for Flora—less than a centimetre of hair on the floor.

I tell Sean he has to make me look at the manuscript today, but he’s busy at work, he doesn’t.

Everything will be all right, eventually.

Right?

I’ll look at it. Eventually.

iv

Thursday, everything goes wrong, one thing goes right.

The lengths to which I go to not look at the mess I have to deal with are really amazing. I’m full of awe at the ingenuity I exert to not look at the shitty first draft.

I must.

I won’t.

I don’t.

Thursday is my Ender-free day. I piss it away this week. I do things that look like work. They’re not.

I’m not doing the thing I need to do

I must.

I won’t.

I don’t…

v

Wednesday’s kind of a rough day all around; I end up in bed at 7:30.

Ender: I had a great day!

Oh, good.

vi

Tuesday, I decide exercise is bad for you.

But I do all the things. It’s an experiment in discipline.

vii

How is it Monday already?

xoxo

“Jane”

2018

The year started with a Monday; so does every week (Week 1: Transitions and Intentions)

Easier than you think, harder than I expected: a week in eleven stanzas (Week 2: Goodness and Selfishness)

A moody story (Week 3: Ebb and Flow)

Do it full out (Week 4: Passions and Outcomes)

The Buddha was a psychopath and other heresies (Week 5: No Cohesion)

A good week (Week 6: Execute, Regroup)

Killing it (Week 7: Exhaustion and Adrenaline)

Tired, petty, tired, unimportant (Week 8: Disappointment and Perseverance)

Professionals do it like this: [insert key scene here] (Week 9: Battle, Fatigue, Reward)

Reading Nabokov, crying, whining, regrouping (Week 10: Tears and Dreams)

Shake the Disease (Week 11: Sickness and Health… well, mostly sickness)

Cremation, not embalming, but I think I might live after all (Week 12: Angst and Gratitude)

Let’s pretend it all does have meaning (Week 13: Convalescence and Rebirth)

The cage is will, the lock is discipline (Week 14: Up and Down)

My negotiated self thinks you don’t exist–wanna make something of it? (Week 15: Priorities and Opportunity)

An introvert’s submission + radical prioritization in action, also pouting (Week 16: Ruthless and Weepy)

It’s about a radical, sustainable rhythm (Week 17: Sprinting and Napping)

It was a pickle juice waterfall but no bread was really harmed in the process (Week 18: Happy and Sad)

You probably shouldn’t call your teacher bad names, but sometimes, your mother must (Week 19: Excitement and Exhaustion)

Tell me I’m beautiful and feed me cherries (Week 20: Excitement and Exhaustion II)

A very short post about miracles, censorship, change: Week 21 (Transitions and Celebrations)

Time flies, and so does butter (Week 22: Remembering and forgetting)

I love you, I want you, I need you, I can’t find you (Week 23: Work and Rest)

You don’t understand—you can’t treat my father’s daughter this way (Week 24: Fathers and Daughters)

The summer was… SULTRY (Week 25: Gratitude and Collapse)

It’s like rest but not really (Week 26: Meandering and Reflection)

It’s the wrong question (Week 27: Success and Failure)

On not meditating but meditating anyway, and a cameo from John Keats (Week 28: Busy and Resting)

Hot, cold, self-indulgent as fuck (Week 29: Fire and Ice)

In which our heroine hides under a table (Week 30: Tears and Chocolate)

Deadlines and little lies make the world go round (Week 31: Honesty and Compassion)

That’s not the way the pope would put it, but… (Week 32: Purpose and Miracles)

And before you know it, it’s over (Week 33: Fast and Slow)

Ragazzo da Napoli zajechał Mirafiori (Week 34: Nostalgia and Belonging)

Depression is a narcissistic disease, fentanyl is dangerous, and knowledge is power, sort of (Week 35: Introspection and Awareness)

I’m not gonna tell you (Week 36: Smoke and Mirrors)

Slightly irritable and yet kinda happy (Week 37: Self-Improvement and Self-Indulgence)

—->>>POSTCARDS FROM CUBA

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12 thoughts on “It’s not procrastination, it’s process (Week 38: Back and Forth)

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